You say you want a... resolution?

How are your New Year's resolutions coming along? As I write, I'm half-starved and painfully caffeine-free thanks to a particular resolution, which requires a "mellow" three-day cleanse I read about. I thought I'd feel light and bright, if not a little high from being so... healthy. But you know what? It is horrible. Really, really awful. Every time I complain, my beau says, "Patience and self discipline, my love." I say BOLLOCKS.